Welcome to my blog, and journey

Hello world. People close and far. Those I know and those that I have yet to meet. Hello world and welcome to my new blog. This is the first of what will be many posts on my journey back to life and the world I feel I have somewhat left for awhile. I want to share the ups, downs and everything in-between. It's been a long fight to get to the place I am at, and it's still not where I want or hope to be. Baby steps they keep telling me, I didn't get sick overnight, and I am not going to get better overnight. It's still hard to wrap my head around all that I have been through, and the idea that my eating disorder has robbed me of so much. That is wasn't a choice and it's a disease. If I was diagnosed with cancer, people won't tell me to just get over it, and the same goes with an eating disorder. I almost wish it was that easy, and that I could just get over it. I have spent the better part of my life in the grasp of it's evil lies and self deprecating behaviors. Feeling like I was never good enough. That if I could only loss x amount of weight, everything would be ok. Eating, not eating, purging, pills, starving myself, treatment, and all over again. Not always in that order and not always all the behaviors at once, but you get the picture. I never thought I would be that girl, I never thought that I was starve away all my dreams. Purge away my health. Give up everything for something I could never have. I will never have the perfect body, I will never be the best at my eating disorder(that would mean I would be dead), I can never turn back time, and I can't just get over it. BUT.... I am on my way back to life, to living and finding my dreams and who I am. It's not going to be easy, and it's not going to happen over night. I know I am going to have bad days and good days, and days when I just feel like giving up or not doing the little things I know I need to do. I may never be ok with my body 100%, and I might have to settle with just 90% sometimes. Anyone who has had an eating disorder knows it's not easy, and most would never wish it on their worst enemy. Those who have had loved ones with an eating disorder and seen them struggle, know how hard it can be. I know my family, friends and even my treatment team have just wanted to shake me, scream, give up, but didn't. Well, maybe a little screaming, but they didn't give  up. And, almost 15 years later, I am still alive and kicking. With there help, encouragement, and push, I am finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. At first it was just a dim glow, and within time it has become brighter. Each day I am drawn to it's glow and promise of better days. I know they are waiting for me, with open arms. I can't do it alone, and without those around me, I don't have to. I need to ask for help, something I've never been good at. I need to tell others what is going on and what I need, no one can read my mind. So with that, welcome to my blog and the journey of my life. My journey back to the world, and living. Smiles, tears, and everything in-between.