The light at the end of the tunnel

A little more art, a little more insight.

As I don't know where life plans to take me, I know where I plan to take my life. Contradiction, maybe a little. I didn't plan on being where I am today, and going through all that I have, but I know that it's not where I want to be again. So I can't plan life, but I can do my darnedest to steer it in the direction I want to go, and learn from where I have been. 

This piece of art is kind of where I started at the beginning of this journey, and it wasn't to long ago that I really wasn't sure if I was gonna find the light at the end of the tunnel. It seemed forever long and dark. I wanted to give up...."you squint your eyes as you gaze into what seems like nothing but a dark tunnel. Maybe they were wrong, because to you, you see no light at the end. Is it worth all the time in the dark, to look for something you can't see?"....I found myself constantly in this state, figuratively and actually squinting my eyes, looking into the mirror, into the seemingly endless dark tunnel. Asking myself and others(mostly my treatment team), "is there really a light at the end of the tunnel". While there really is no tunnel, I felt like I was constantly stuck in one. Bumping into walls and dead ends, unable to find my way. It took many months to finally be able to see a glimpse of light. To be able to stand on my own two feet and take responsibly for my life. It was not like I woke up one day and was like I can do this, goodbye eating disorder. It was constant months of therapy, groups, fists of rage at myself and the world. Tears were shed, words were yelled, hugs were given, and peace came in waves. I finally heard what had been said all along, that there is hope and I can be free from my eating disorder. Wish it could have been without all the pain and bumps, but where it took me, makes it worth it. I am slowly starting to feel, a strange concept when you spend years not feeling. I am slowly seeing light where before I saw nothing but despair. I am learning with each day that comes and goes, that it's a journey. That if today sucked and I just want to give up, that there is always tomorrow. A new day and new opportunity to start over. That being mad, sad, anxious, frustrated are feelings and are not permanent, to ride the wave and each day travel closer and closer to the light at the end of the tunnel. 

So this is a piece that I sometimes look at when I feel like giving up. Because I know now, that even when I can't see it, that there is light, there is hope. Feelings are just that, feelings. That this to shall pass, I know I have so much to live for. So I'm not going to waste any more time not living.