I sometimes crave the very things I am afraid of.

The below quote, is from a book that I'm sure many have read. I was told in treatment many years ago about why this was not a good book to read. That it was triggering and so on. Now I do have to agree on some level this book is not one of the better eating disorder books/memoirs to read if you are struggling. For me, I have read this book about twice, usually not all the way through. Unlike what this book may trigger for others, when I read it, it did the complete opposite. I truly saw glimpses of myself and how insane my thinking could be. It became a reason above many things to strive for recovery. The fact that I saw myself in parts of her writing, and then thinking how absolutely crazy she was. Made me want to move/run in the other direction. It really made me crave the demise of my eating disorder. 

I choose to post and write a little something on this quote, because it rang a bell and hit home in a way I couldn't explain myself. 

Even as I sit here writing I can't think of a better way to explain this feeling and need inside me. My whole life for what I can remember, it's been a strange relationship torn between my undeniable craving to be held, touched, hugged. And this fear and aversion to the very thing I wanted most. My family was never very big on physical affection. Of course it wasn't completely without it either. On a constant basis I find myself craving physical contact. I want to be hugged and held so tight I feel like I can't breath. I want to be held and feel safe in the confines of another's embrace. I know it may sound rather dramatic, but in a way it kind of is. At the same moment I want to give someone a hug, I find myself pulling away. Detaching myself from the contact. It a strange feeling that I really am not sure I'll ever understand or be able to get past. 

& so,

These few short lines, speak pages for me. 

Although I am not a huge fan of this book, because I am aware how triggering and upsetting it can be for some. I really do think if read while in a good place, can really be a powerful book with a message of how truly insane one can become and loose when they are in the grasps of an eating disorder.  It made me think about a lot of aspects of my life, and behaviors that I really didn't think were connected with my eating disorder. Therefor never really connecting the dots and inadvertently continuing to hold onto parts of my eating disorder. 

I have so much more I want to write regarding this topic, so I'm sure I'll revisit it again soon. It's still a work in progress, understanding and coming to terms with many issues. My need for physical contact and my fear of it, being pretty high on the list.