Todays art addition is a very recent piece.
Since I've been in therapy for as long as I have, there seems to be one term that time and time again has been told me to. That I need to let others in and start to knock down the walls I have put up and made. Mostly in an effort to protect myself for future pain or abandonment, but also to protect my illness at times. Keeping everyone just close enough to feel attached, but far enough away that if there were to suddenly leave or give up, that I would be left with the overwhelming feeling of inadequacy. That it was something I had done to drive them away, that I was to much and didn't deserve to be loved. I guess as I started to realize more and more over even just the past few months, how much weight that really carries for me. That feeling that I am to much and that I am undeserving of good people in my life. Sometimes and especially with me, a lot of these distorted thought patterns and ideas, started when I was really young. I started building my wall and putting myself at a safe distance way before I could really even comprehend what I was doing. In my little four years old head, a babysitter leaving, my mom going back to work, being moved around. I created this idea in my head that there was something wrong with me, that I was driving everyone away, and if I could just be good then people wouldn't leave. I know now that it was in no direct relation to anything I did to drive people away. So that is kind of what this piece means.
It's a visual representation of a brick wall that I have been building for years.
"A BRICK WALL OF YEARS, comprised of FEELINGS AND FEARS. Keeping me from living, keeping me from RECOVERY."
I decided to do this piece to try to help myself understand and put feeling and events to the "brick wall" I keep running into in therapy. I know I have seen many different therapists, and every time I feel like I start to trust and take down my wall, piece by piece. As soon as I start to get scared, my worst fears seem to come true and my therapist is gone. Having had this happen more than once I didn't think I would ever to get to the place I was at with my last therapist and even if I was, that I would somehow stall myself. Not allow myself to trust and push myself to do even more work. To dig deeper and really start to take down my wall, and to start to discard the pieces I've taken down. By doing that, I would hope to be able to even when life happens, and someone leaves for any given reason. To not immediately put those bricks back up.
I know I need to get a little better at photographing my art, since it is hard to see the detail and the words in the bricks. I don't feel like it's really important at this particular moment to list each word in this piece, but I do want to add a little summery of what they mean. The words I choose to put inside each brick, was chosen because it may have been the first word that came to me when I think about a particular event. It may be an emotion or feeling that scares me. A belief about myself that really has no basis for truth. For as long as I can remember, I have felt like there was something wrong with me. Siting here now trying to explain in words exactly what the feeling felt like, I can't describe it. When I was younger and growing up, a lot of things happened that I had no control over. I don't think back then, any of the adults in my life thought that I would understand and maybe even thought I wouldn't remember certain things. Therefor a lot happened that was never explained to me, I was only a kid so I believe they were trying to spare me, but instead I got this notion in my head that it was my fault. In many of the bricks those words are relating to the child mindset I had when these beliefs took form. I am slowing but surly finally starting to trust. Starting to understand that feelings won't kill me, and to dig deeper into why I am feeling a certain way. I am starting to care for the inner child within me, who had been neglected for so long. I am starting to realize that keeping my guard up, my brick wall, or whatever you choose to call it. Is serving only one purpose: It's keeping me from living, from have real, genuine relationships. From recovery. It's been a long journey as it is, but it's only the beginning. It's exciting to be able to really believe that there is so much more to life that I have to look forward to.
No comments:
Post a Comment