These two pieces were done together, with the idea that the first is what I felt like I my eating disorder was saying and promising me. The second being the light when I was able to see, that what I thought was going to make me happy, what I thoughts was true, and what keeping my eating disorder around was robbing me of.
A lot of the work I've done is usually done in a before and after pieces. For the most part before this last year, I was not able to do a before and after together. It all seemed to blend together and I was either in a place where my eating disorder was doing all the talking, or I was on the recovery high that kept me from remembering how dark a place I was in. Neither are a good place to be in, even the recovery high. It was and is important for me to remember where I came from and the work I had to do to get anywhere close to the path of recovery. It's those little steps, slip ups and bad days, that really help you stay on the right path. If it was all daisies and sunshine, when life finally comes crashing back down. It can be devastating. I've needed to keep in mind the hard days as much as I've had to remind myself that there are good days. While each day I am striving to get healthier. I am starting to find a balance, and not get stuck thinking everything is bad, or when things are going well that I don't appreciate it and just dread the next crash.
This first piece was done on just a matted piece of parchment. In the hopes that I turn my art into something more than just photographs on my blog or artwork in apartment, I've tried to find materials that will help keep the piece is good condition for longer periods of time.
It depicts what the eating disorder voice in me was constantly saying. I've had a hard time being able to understand the difference between the two voices. When the idea was first discussed, I felt like I was crazy. How could I have two voices control one body. It seemed that if the eating disorder was part of me, that it was not separate from the "healthy voice". In time I've come to understand that it does not necessarily mean there are two voices. But that my mind was being altered by this disorder that had taken residence in my head. There was a part of me that was the rational part, that knew my disorder was telling lies and that I was sick. Then there was the irrational part that was being filtered through my disorder. Telling me that I was not sick, that I must do xyz to be happy, that ED was my friend and only ally.
"Small. Smaller. Even smaller."..."My eating disorder screams"..."Never Slim in the right places"..."intensified"..."OUT OF SIGHT"..."the"..."QUIET RIOT"..."of my eating disorder"..."is-yapping-FALSE-PROMISES"..."ON A MISSION-for-THAT PERFECT-body"..."Peace-it promises"..."Believe-me-ED-whispers"...(I think without to much explanation, this piece speaks for itself. My eating disorder was not always visible. Since I've ranged all over the spectrum of ED's, at times it was out of sight. The quiet riot was happening in my head, alone with my door locked, when I lied and said I already ate when a friend wanted to get lunch. It was yapping, like a little annoying dog, at times I wanted to listen, only in hopes that it would shut up. That I could enjoy the company of a friend without feeling like I was of in LaLa land. It's promised were lies, and it's whispers were false hope.)
This second piece was done on the same material and is the second and more hopeful piece of the two.
"My Eating Disorder:"..."It keeps me-From Life"..."Repair years of damage-Dream"..."Love your body"..."Do IT GIRL"..."MAKE-THE-Journey-2-the-other-side"...(the meaning being, making the journey past the gasp of my eating disorder, to the other side where brighter days and happiness were not false promises)..."Don't LOOK-back"..."you ARE One very stunning"..."Beautiful miracle".
When looked at side by side, even by the words and the way they caught my eye. The second piece and the words of hope, without evening reading it, was by far a much more peaceful, eye appealing. It's still hard some days to see that the hard days are worth all the better days to come. I know it going to take constant diligence on my part, to take responsibility of my life and the baby steps I need to take to insure a happier future.
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