A short catch up, with much more to follow.

I have not forgotten about my blog, or left yet another project started but not finished. My last post was the last one I was able to do from my own computer, as it seems it does not want to be a computer any longer, or at least not let me do anything in the form of the Internet. I was still able to write, and I am currently transferring those files to a zip drive to upload them to fill in some of the gaps since the last time I was able to post an entry.
For me, I wanted this blog to be something that gave a full picture, day to day struggles and triumphs on the journey of life with an eating disorder. I want others to know what its like, and I also for myself want to able to look back and remember what it the journey was like, both good and bad.
Before I am able to post some of the entries that will hopefully fill in some of the gaps, I'm going to try to make it as short but honest as I can about where things are now and have been.
Sometime around the end of March, April I stopped seeing my therapist and dietitian. It wasn't something I wanted or knew would be good, but due to life events and an overburdened finical situation, it was what it was and I have not been able to see them. I am hoping in the next couple weeks that will change. I know that I wasn't in the best place possible and that I needed that support and accountability to keep me on the right path.
My eating disorder had become less strong, but it was still fighting to stay. Needless to say, I knew that it was going to be beyond hard to try to do it all on my own. I know I needed that support. For a short time I was able to keep it together. I can't pinpoint a exact time when it started to slip and take a big dip in the wrong direction. I am scared that it did, and not happy to say I am struggling right now. But let the truth set me free.
I've accepted that I need more help and that I need to get back on the path of recovery to it's fullest. I am making strides in accepting that I can't do it alone and being able to ask for help. To accept that I need that, and open to those around me and those I know care. It's not easy to accept that I have people that love me, when I don't feel to much love for myself. I am making the commitment as I write this, to continue to write about the journey, to be honest and make it a priority to share my struggles and triumphs with those who choose to read my blog. It's a honor to think that people take the time to read what I have to say. I want those that may not understand eating disorders and what comes with living with me, to have a better and honest picture of what that looks like. At times it's hard to admit defeat, and tell it as it is, but that is my commitment I am making. For better or worse, It's my life, my journey. I'm learning along the way, and from my mistakes and setbacks. Above all, despite my worst days and the times I want to give up and shut myself out to the world. I know that I am far more to offer and I won't let ED win. I will, it didn't happen over night that I got started my love affair with ED and it won't happen over night that I break away and fully leave that part of me in the past. Cheers to recovery and thanks everyone who takes a moment out of their day to read what I have to say

When it rains, it pours...but at the end of the day at least I'm alive

So as it seems to be a them in my life. When one thing doesn't work or something happens everything else seems to follow suit. Today is no different, but I how I handle it will be.
Yesterday as I tried to post a new entry my computer decided it didn't feel like working, it's decided to let me still use the Internet and type, but not edit or post anything, go figure. Since that is mainly the only two things I use it for. My phone, well it's decided to only selectively work, maybe it'll ring, or load the Internet. Maybe it won't. My puppy who's thank goodness up until the past couple days has been in good health, gave me a good scare and I spent the day at the animal hospital. My therapist phone also decided not to work, so up until today I hadn't been able to leave her a voicemail and make an appointment.
Well world, I'm going to throw you a curve ball. You can try to stop me, but I'm going to put a up a good fight. I've had to come to terms with the fact that my life is anything but ordinary or easy. That things rarely go the way I want them to or need them to. I don't know if its just the way I've dealt with the obstacles put before me, or if its just more than average the amount of obstacles put before me. In any case, I can't change the past or fix all the issues at hand today. But I can change the way I deal with it all. A couple months ago I may have dealt with it differently than I am now. Throwing my own pity party and wanting to just give up and run away. Anyone who's tried this can most likely attest to the fact that it doesn't nor will it ever work.
So at the end of the day as I write this I can say with a smile and an affirmative positive outlook on it all. That I am not going to be throwing myself a pity party or attempting to just run away. I'm going to end with all that I do have. I have an apartment that I got to go home to. I have a puppy who loves me and is starting to perk up/feel better. I have a somewhat working phone. I have an appointment with my therapist. I have food to eat for dinner. And I have family and friends whom I love and love me. So I hope that tomorrow brings better luck and if it doesn't I will conquer tomorrow when it comes.

I sometimes crave the very things I am afraid of.

The below quote, is from a book that I'm sure many have read. I was told in treatment many years ago about why this was not a good book to read. That it was triggering and so on. Now I do have to agree on some level this book is not one of the better eating disorder books/memoirs to read if you are struggling. For me, I have read this book about twice, usually not all the way through. Unlike what this book may trigger for others, when I read it, it did the complete opposite. I truly saw glimpses of myself and how insane my thinking could be. It became a reason above many things to strive for recovery. The fact that I saw myself in parts of her writing, and then thinking how absolutely crazy she was. Made me want to move/run in the other direction. It really made me crave the demise of my eating disorder. 

I choose to post and write a little something on this quote, because it rang a bell and hit home in a way I couldn't explain myself. 

Even as I sit here writing I can't think of a better way to explain this feeling and need inside me. My whole life for what I can remember, it's been a strange relationship torn between my undeniable craving to be held, touched, hugged. And this fear and aversion to the very thing I wanted most. My family was never very big on physical affection. Of course it wasn't completely without it either. On a constant basis I find myself craving physical contact. I want to be hugged and held so tight I feel like I can't breath. I want to be held and feel safe in the confines of another's embrace. I know it may sound rather dramatic, but in a way it kind of is. At the same moment I want to give someone a hug, I find myself pulling away. Detaching myself from the contact. It a strange feeling that I really am not sure I'll ever understand or be able to get past. 

& so,

These few short lines, speak pages for me. 

Although I am not a huge fan of this book, because I am aware how triggering and upsetting it can be for some. I really do think if read while in a good place, can really be a powerful book with a message of how truly insane one can become and loose when they are in the grasps of an eating disorder.  It made me think about a lot of aspects of my life, and behaviors that I really didn't think were connected with my eating disorder. Therefor never really connecting the dots and inadvertently continuing to hold onto parts of my eating disorder. 

I have so much more I want to write regarding this topic, so I'm sure I'll revisit it again soon. It's still a work in progress, understanding and coming to terms with many issues. My need for physical contact and my fear of it, being pretty high on the list. 

If ED's promises were true, I would be the happiest girl alive. BUT, they were lies and I have work to do

These two pieces were done together, with the idea that the first is what I felt like I my eating disorder was saying and promising me. The second being the light when I was able to see, that what I thought was going to make me happy, what I thoughts was true, and what keeping my eating disorder around was robbing me of.

A lot of the work I've done is usually done in a before and after pieces. For the most part before this last year, I was not able to do a before and after together. It all seemed to blend together and I was either in a place where my eating disorder was doing all the talking, or I was on the recovery high that kept me from remembering how dark a place I was in. Neither are a good place to be in, even the recovery high. It was and is important for me to remember where I came from and the work I had to do to get anywhere close to the path of recovery. It's those little steps, slip ups and bad days, that really help you stay on the right path. If it was all daisies and sunshine, when life finally comes crashing back down. It can be devastating. I've needed to keep in mind the hard days as much as I've had to remind myself that there are good days. While each day I am striving to get healthier. I am starting to find a balance, and not get stuck thinking everything is bad, or when things are going well that I don't appreciate it and just dread the next crash. 

This first piece was done on just a matted piece of parchment. In the hopes that I turn my art into something more than just photographs on my blog or artwork in apartment, I've tried to find materials that will help keep the piece is good condition for longer periods of time. 

It depicts what the eating disorder voice in me was constantly saying. I've had a hard time being able to understand the difference between the two voices. When the idea was first discussed, I felt like I was crazy. How could I have two voices control one body. It seemed that if the eating disorder was part of me, that it was not separate from the "healthy voice". In time I've come to understand that it does not necessarily mean there are two voices. But that my mind was being altered by this disorder that had taken residence in my head. There was a part of me that was the rational part, that knew my disorder was telling lies and that I was sick. Then there was the irrational part that was being filtered through my disorder. Telling me that I was not sick, that I must do xyz to be happy, that ED was my friend and only ally. 

"Small. Smaller. Even smaller."..."My eating disorder screams"..."Never Slim in the right places"..."intensified"..."OUT OF SIGHT"..."the"..."QUIET RIOT"..."of my eating disorder"..."is-yapping-FALSE-PROMISES"..."ON A MISSION-for-THAT PERFECT-body"..."Peace-it promises"..."Believe-me-ED-whispers"...(I think without to much explanation, this piece speaks for itself. My eating disorder was not always visible. Since I've ranged all over the spectrum of ED's, at times it was out of sight. The quiet riot was happening in my head, alone with my door locked, when I lied and said I already ate when a friend wanted to get lunch. It was yapping, like a little annoying dog, at times I wanted to listen, only in hopes that it would shut up. That I could enjoy the company of a friend without feeling like I was of in LaLa land. It's promised were lies, and it's whispers were false hope.)

This second piece was done on the same material and is the second and more hopeful piece of the two. 

"My Eating Disorder:"..."It keeps me-From Life"..."Repair years of damage-Dream"..."Love your body"..."Do IT GIRL"..."MAKE-THE-Journey-2-the-other-side"...(the meaning being, making the journey past the gasp of my eating disorder, to the other side where brighter days and happiness were not false promises)..."Don't LOOK-back"..."you ARE One very stunning"..."Beautiful miracle".

When looked at side by side, even by the words and the way they caught my eye. The second piece and the words of hope, without evening reading it, was by far a much more peaceful, eye appealing. It's still hard some days to see that the hard days are worth all the better days to come. I know it going to take constant diligence on my part, to take responsibility of my life and the baby steps I need to take to insure a happier future. 

My Brick Wall, and my plan for it's utter demolishment

Todays art addition is a very recent piece. 

Since I've been in therapy for as long as I have, there seems to be one term that time and time again has been told me to. That I need to let others in and start to knock down the walls I have put up and made. Mostly in an effort to protect myself for future pain or abandonment, but also to protect my illness at times. Keeping everyone just close enough to feel attached, but far enough away that if there were to suddenly leave or give up, that I would be left with the overwhelming feeling of inadequacy. That it was something I had done to drive them away, that I was to much and didn't deserve to be loved. I guess as I started to realize more and more over even just the past few months, how much weight that really carries for me. That feeling that I am to much and that I am undeserving of good people in my life. Sometimes and especially with me, a lot of these distorted thought patterns and ideas, started when I was really young. I started building my wall and putting myself at a safe distance way before I could really even comprehend what I was doing. In my little four years old head, a babysitter leaving, my mom going back to work, being moved around. I created this idea in my head that there was something wrong with me, that I was driving everyone away, and if I could just be good then people wouldn't leave. I know now that it was in no direct relation to anything I did to drive people away. So that is kind of what this piece means. 

It's a visual representation of a brick wall that I have been building for years. 

"A BRICK WALL OF YEARS, comprised of FEELINGS AND FEARS. Keeping me from living, keeping me from RECOVERY." 

I decided to do this piece to try to help myself understand and put feeling and events to the "brick wall" I keep running into in therapy. I know I have seen many different therapists, and every time I feel like I start to trust and take down my wall, piece by piece. As soon as I start to get scared, my worst fears seem to come true and my therapist is gone. Having had this happen more than once I didn't think I would ever to get to the place I was at with my last therapist and even if I was, that I would somehow stall myself. Not allow myself to trust and push myself to do even more work. To dig deeper and really start to take down my wall, and to start to discard the pieces I've taken down. By doing that, I would hope to be able to even when life happens, and someone leaves for any given reason. To not immediately put those bricks back up. 

I know I need to get a little better at photographing my art, since it is hard to see the detail and the words in the bricks. I don't feel like it's really important at this particular moment to list each word in this piece, but I do want to add a little summery of what they mean. The words I choose to put inside each brick, was chosen because it may have been the first word that came to me when I think about a particular event. It may be an emotion or feeling that scares me. A belief about myself that really has no basis for truth. For as long as I can remember, I have felt like there was something wrong with me. Siting here now trying to explain in words exactly what the feeling felt like, I can't describe it. When I was younger and growing up, a lot of things happened that I had no control over. I don't think back then, any of the adults in my life thought that I would understand and maybe even thought I wouldn't remember certain things. Therefor a lot happened that was never explained to me, I was only a kid so I believe they were trying to spare me, but instead I got this notion in my head that it was my fault. In many of the bricks those words are relating to the child mindset I had when these beliefs took form. I am slowing but surly finally starting to trust. Starting to understand that feelings won't kill me, and to dig deeper into why I am feeling a certain way. I am starting to care for the inner child within me, who had been neglected for so long. I am starting to realize that keeping my guard up, my brick wall, or whatever you choose to call it. Is serving only one purpose: It's keeping me from living, from have real, genuine relationships. From recovery. It's been a long journey as it is, but it's only the beginning. It's exciting to be able to really believe that there is so much more to life that I have to look forward to. 

A little about me and my commitment to this blog

So I have kind of made it official. That I am going to commit to keeping this blog up and going, and continue posting. I don't want this to be a project started and never finished. I know it's going to be hard, because I still have days when I just don't want to do anything, or I find some excuse why I'm to busy. Most of the time, it's an excuse and not the truth. For all the years I have kept my eating disorder a secret and thought I could fight it alone, I can't make up for lost time, but I can learn from my mistakes and not try to do it that way again. It didn't work. By not letting others in, I let my eating disorder continue to live and control me, even if it was only a small thing. It always became the root of bigger problems. If I have sent you invite to follow me and read my blog, thanks for reading. If you came across my blog for any reason, thank you for reading.
In the months to come, I hope to share my struggles, achievements, tears, laughs, thoughts, ext. Also this will be my way to share my art, and it's meaning. I hope that by not letting this go unattended for any length of time, that I can paint a picture of what living with an eating disorder was like, is like and what those still struggling have to look forward to on the road to recovery. I don't intend to get to graphic, share numbers, or specifics. I want it to be a positive place, but also honest. So I know there will be days where my writing might be a little dark, or upsetting. It comes with the territory. But I promise to be honest and genuine. If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask. Feel free to leave any comments. What did you think about any given piece? What did it bring up for you? or mean to you? Is there anything else you would like to hear about or have me share?
I am not a therapist, I don't ever plan on becoming one. But I have been in therapy, and I have lived. I doubt there is anything that could surprise or even scare me these days. So I would be happy to answer any questions and offer any support I can, but leave the real work to be done with  a professional.
For those that don't know me, I have struggled with an eating disorder for almost 13 years. It has showed it's nasty face in the form of anorexia, bulimia, EDNOS, you name it. I have been to treatment a decent amount of times, and I have been in recovery for different lengths of time. I have made friends and lost friends to this disease, and I know how devastating it can be to see someone struggle or struggle yourself. Recovery isn't something that happens overnight, sometimes I really wish that was the case. For me it's been years of working on the core of why I do what I do. Of finally letting go of everything, not "everything, and keeping just this one little piece", let me tell you from my own personal experience, that does not work. I needed to finally fully let go, and let others in. I couldn't do it alone no matter how much I thought I could at times. I have moved across the country, I have switched schools, I have changed majors. In the end I was still me and had to deal with the root of the problem before I was able to do anything to it's fullest. I am still not 100%, I may never be. But I have lived long enough letting my life be dictated by ED's lies to let it be part of me any longer. So now that I've said that, I hope that answers a few questions some may have about who I am and where I'm coming from. In the coming months I hope to share even more with you, and let you get to know me, as I am doing the same. Getting to know me and who I am. Shaping my future, and moving further and further away from a life with my ED, each day.

A silent war, dress up is for play not real life. Love what you have.

Today's art addition includes a series of rather abstract art. It's a five piece series, and idea behind them is that in todays society we flip through magazines, look at other around us, compare, ext. We see what others have, how a dress on a model looks, a hair style or even a particular body part and we want it. That girl has such nice legs, I wish I had them. That dress looks so good on her, why can't it look that good on me? I want a big butt and boobs, but a skinny waist. I want strait hair or blonde hair. We can always find everything we think we want and that would make life that much better if we could have it all. 

Well my friends.....You can't have it all. We all have different bodies, and no matter how we try to change out outer appearance, that dress or hair style will never look the way it does on someone else, so any efforts is a waste. 

These next five pieces were made using a base model with either a dress I likes, a hairstyle I wish I could pull of, an airbrushed face that would be lovely if it was only possible. Starting with the base model, I used different legs, arms, hands, face, hair, shirt, dress, ext to make a rather strange looking person. That person signifies what I would look like, if I could have pieces of every look I liked put into one. Not really a pretty picture, and I was left feeling pleases with myself, for the body and characteristics I do have. These pieces were also somewhat inspired by one of my favorite artists and songs, "The Fear"-by Lily Allen. 

For those that may not be familiar with the song, she talks about society and our values as they've come to be not about mothers, childhood, toys, but diamonds, looks and plastic. We've become materialist and started to care less about what will sustain us in the long term. Being programed from a young age to care less about personality and family. To base our worth on what we see in the mirror, on the amount of money we have, and materialistic things. Singing about being packed in plastic, as if we are just ordered out of a catalog and thus are able to pre-determine our looks. Now of course that is only a slight interpretation made on my part. 

I image what I would look like if I could pick and choose the size and color of my body, hair, skin. In bathrooms across the country, it seems a common language that woman who have never met, all seem to know. The glance in the mirror, *sigh*, and comment about any given body part at the receiving end of the days criticism. A woman you've never met, turning and insults her legs, while turning and saying as if to make you feel better, "gosh, I wish I had your legs". It's a language that despite being on the east or west coast I have experienced in the same way. 

In a way these pieces remind me of those cut out dolls that some of had as children. I know I did, as my mother strongly disliked Barbies and other mainstream children's toys. I guess I can't blame wanting to look like Barbie or some model, since I don't think I sat through a movie or watched TV till much later in life, and even then had no interest in it. I would cut out the different dressed and shoes and put them on the dolls, usually losing interest pretty fast, but you get the idea. Each of these pieces are a little different, if you are able to look closely, most of them have hands of two different models. I may have chosen one because I liked the jewelry on it, or simply the way the hand looked. 

It amazes me just a little how much time I have spent trying to mold my body and life into what I thought was the perfect "body and life". Seeing someone else wearing an outfit, that I just need to have. Looking my darnedest to find similar pieces to pull of the look, and really just looking ridiculous in the end, because it simply just wasn't me. 

And to make a full circle back to my original inspiration, the Lily Allen song. Towards the end she sings 'Forget about guns, and forget ammunition, cause I'm killing em all on my own little mission, now I'm not a saint and I'm not a sinner, and everythings cool as long as I'm getting thinner"

It was so true to my life, that I was on a mission, fighting a war against myself. It didn't involve guns or anything you'd find in a typical war, because this war was silently being fought inside me. I looked into the mirror and saw nothing I liked, but everything I didn't want to see...ME. I wanted thick hair(mine is very thin), I wasn't a non-existant waste line(mine was almost there, but I didn't see it that way), I wanted thin arms(mine were not, I have broad shoulders and have been an athlete my whole life). I could go on and on, but I think you get the idea. These photos are meant to portray what it would look like if we could pick and choose what we had and didn't. It simply doesn't work that way. When we embrace what we do have, and love it for the way it is. You could be wearing a tutu, mitch match whatever, have your hair in a braid or messy bun on the top of your head, and your confidence will blow anyone away. They might even compliment you on your tutu, because your working it.