I have not forgotten about my blog, or left yet another project started but not finished. My last post was the last one I was able to do from my own computer, as it seems it does not want to be a computer any longer, or at least not let me do anything in the form of the Internet. I was still able to write, and I am currently transferring those files to a zip drive to upload them to fill in some of the gaps since the last time I was able to post an entry.
For me, I wanted this blog to be something that gave a full picture, day to day struggles and triumphs on the journey of life with an eating disorder. I want others to know what its like, and I also for myself want to able to look back and remember what it the journey was like, both good and bad.
Before I am able to post some of the entries that will hopefully fill in some of the gaps, I'm going to try to make it as short but honest as I can about where things are now and have been.
Sometime around the end of March, April I stopped seeing my therapist and dietitian. It wasn't something I wanted or knew would be good, but due to life events and an overburdened finical situation, it was what it was and I have not been able to see them. I am hoping in the next couple weeks that will change. I know that I wasn't in the best place possible and that I needed that support and accountability to keep me on the right path.
My eating disorder had become less strong, but it was still fighting to stay. Needless to say, I knew that it was going to be beyond hard to try to do it all on my own. I know I needed that support. For a short time I was able to keep it together. I can't pinpoint a exact time when it started to slip and take a big dip in the wrong direction. I am scared that it did, and not happy to say I am struggling right now. But let the truth set me free.
I've accepted that I need more help and that I need to get back on the path of recovery to it's fullest. I am making strides in accepting that I can't do it alone and being able to ask for help. To accept that I need that, and open to those around me and those I know care. It's not easy to accept that I have people that love me, when I don't feel to much love for myself. I am making the commitment as I write this, to continue to write about the journey, to be honest and make it a priority to share my struggles and triumphs with those who choose to read my blog. It's a honor to think that people take the time to read what I have to say. I want those that may not understand eating disorders and what comes with living with me, to have a better and honest picture of what that looks like. At times it's hard to admit defeat, and tell it as it is, but that is my commitment I am making. For better or worse, It's my life, my journey. I'm learning along the way, and from my mistakes and setbacks. Above all, despite my worst days and the times I want to give up and shut myself out to the world. I know that I am far more to offer and I won't let ED win. I will, it didn't happen over night that I got started my love affair with ED and it won't happen over night that I break away and fully leave that part of me in the past. Cheers to recovery and thanks everyone who takes a moment out of their day to read what I have to say
